Today, on the eleventh annual Transgender Day of Remembrance, we honor the memory of our transgender and gender non-conforming family members and friends tragically lost to anti-transgender hatred and violence over the past year. As we all take a moment to remember the tragic and senseless losses of so many amazing transgender and gender non-conforming people within our communities, we continue to work hard at not only passing laws like the recently enacted Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act, but also educating our communities about what their rights are and opening up dialogues on how to address the very real and systemic problems of transphobic and homophobic violence within and beyond our local communities.
We remain outraged at the countless forms of discrimination our transgender and gender non-conforming loved ones experience on a daily basis and we will continue working hard to develop policies and resources to help support those individuals who have survived anti-transgender hate crimes. In fact, we recently sent out our monthly FYI, which provides important strategies on how to support a community member who has survived a hate crime, educate local communities about existing laws that can help address the problems of hate violence and tips on how to launch an advocacy campaign aimed at developing relationships with local law enforcement officers along with other social justice organizations and community leaders to help tackle the very real problems of hate biased crimes and violence. Furthermore, we continue to fiercely advocate for the passage of critical legislation aimed at protecting our transgender and gender non-conforming family members in an effort to ensure that equal opportunities are available to everyone, including those most vulnerable in our communities.
Today, we encourage you to join one of the many important community vigils honoring our fallen transgender and gender non-conforming family and friends. Many of us at PFLAG National plan to join the Washington, DC Transgender Day of Remembrance Vigil to be held at the Metropolitan Community Church (474 Ridge Street, NW) at 6:30 pm. If you live in the area and/or are visiting, please be sure to attend this important ceremony. If you are interested in attending a community event in your area, please be sure to view the official Transgender Day of Remembrance website for events held in or around your specific location. Tonight let’s be sure to honor both those that we have tragically lost to anti-transgender hatred, and also to recognize and support all of the brave advocates who continue to take a bold stance against tolerating hate violence in our communities.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Arizona Workers Sue to Keep Benefits
From Wednesday's Advocate comes news that state employees in Arizona are suing to keep domestic-partner benefits from becoming a casualty of budget cuts.
Ten state workers, represented by Lambda Legal, filed suit Tuesday in U.S. district court in Tucson, saying a plan to end the benefits discriminates against gay and lesbian employees.
Under a budget deal approved by the state legislature last summer and signed into law by Gov. Jan Brewer in September, Arizona would no longer offer benefits for domestic partners but would retain them for heterosexual spouses. Domestic-partner benefits are scheduled to end November 24, according to court documents.
“This is an issue of equal pay for equal work,” Lambda Legal staff attorney Tara Borelli said in a press release. “By stripping away these vital benefits from loyal state employees, the state isn't just paying them less for the same work than their heterosexual colleagues — it's pulling away a vital lifeline that all workers need. This is simply cruel and saves the state next to nothing.”
The release goes on to quote lead plaintiff Tracy Collins, an Arizona highway patrol officer, who relies on the coverage for her partner of 11 years, Diana Forrest, and their family. “I put my life on the line every day for the people of Arizona just by going to work,” Collins said. “Though the stress of working a dangerous job takes a toll on my family, I'm proud to be a public servant. But losing Diana’s health coverage will put us in a desperate situation.”
Other plaintiffs in the case, Collins v. Brewer, include employees of state universities and the Department of Game and Fish.
Ten state workers, represented by Lambda Legal, filed suit Tuesday in U.S. district court in Tucson, saying a plan to end the benefits discriminates against gay and lesbian employees.
Under a budget deal approved by the state legislature last summer and signed into law by Gov. Jan Brewer in September, Arizona would no longer offer benefits for domestic partners but would retain them for heterosexual spouses. Domestic-partner benefits are scheduled to end November 24, according to court documents.
“This is an issue of equal pay for equal work,” Lambda Legal staff attorney Tara Borelli said in a press release. “By stripping away these vital benefits from loyal state employees, the state isn't just paying them less for the same work than their heterosexual colleagues — it's pulling away a vital lifeline that all workers need. This is simply cruel and saves the state next to nothing.”
The release goes on to quote lead plaintiff Tracy Collins, an Arizona highway patrol officer, who relies on the coverage for her partner of 11 years, Diana Forrest, and their family. “I put my life on the line every day for the people of Arizona just by going to work,” Collins said. “Though the stress of working a dangerous job takes a toll on my family, I'm proud to be a public servant. But losing Diana’s health coverage will put us in a desperate situation.”
Other plaintiffs in the case, Collins v. Brewer, include employees of state universities and the Department of Game and Fish.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The True Story Behind the Fight for Marriage Equality in DC
Earlier today the Center for American Progress held a conference call on religion and the fight for marriage equality in Washington, DC.
One of the speakers on the call was Rev. Dennis Wiley, the pastor at Covenant Baptist Church, an open and affirming, predominately African-American church in the District's poorest ward.
You can listen to his entire speech by clicking here.
In part, Rev. Wiley refuted the notion that being gay in the District is a white, upper class issue. He says, "The black church and the black community…have been characterized by some as being united in opposition against same-sex marriage, and this could not be further from the truth. Black people are not monolithic, we are diverse just like all other human beings.”
“Same-sex marriage is not a white issue—from experience, it is also a black issue. Countless same-sex couples have expressed a deep appreciation in our church, and even those outside of our church have expressed this same appreciation of our policy of acceptance. Some have even testified, those who have become a member of our fellowship, that our inclusive ministry has literally saved their lives due to the emotional and traumatic experiences they have encountered elsewhere, where they have been rejected.”
You can view the entire transcript of today's call by clicking here.
One of the speakers on the call was Rev. Dennis Wiley, the pastor at Covenant Baptist Church, an open and affirming, predominately African-American church in the District's poorest ward.
You can listen to his entire speech by clicking here.
In part, Rev. Wiley refuted the notion that being gay in the District is a white, upper class issue. He says, "The black church and the black community…have been characterized by some as being united in opposition against same-sex marriage, and this could not be further from the truth. Black people are not monolithic, we are diverse just like all other human beings.”
“Same-sex marriage is not a white issue—from experience, it is also a black issue. Countless same-sex couples have expressed a deep appreciation in our church, and even those outside of our church have expressed this same appreciation of our policy of acceptance. Some have even testified, those who have become a member of our fellowship, that our inclusive ministry has literally saved their lives due to the emotional and traumatic experiences they have encountered elsewhere, where they have been rejected.”
You can view the entire transcript of today's call by clicking here.
An "Open" Letter to the Members of the NJ Legislature
Today's guest post comes to us from Rev. Gilbert Caldwell, PFLAG National Board member. Below is a letter that he wrote to the members of the NJ legislature in regards to marriage equality.
Dear Colleagues,
You have been elected to represent and serve ALL of the residents of your
particularly District. The human diversity of your District is but a slice of the
rich diversity of our nation. I write you as a Christian cleryman who is African
American who has pastored United Methodist Churches, predominantly white
and predominantly black in membership, in 5 states. I am ally/advocate of
equal rights for same gender loving couples! I know that you as an elected
official are committed to the understanding that you do not just represent
Christians, or United Methodists, or African Americans or persons like myself
who are heterosexual in their sexual orientation. You are in office to serve the
needs of All persons, and some of those persons are in committed, same
gender relationships. The equal access and equality language that is in
our Constitutions; national and state, call upon you to uphold equal access
and equality, regardless of your personal or religious views. I know that will
be reflected in your vote to endorse the legalization of same gender marriage.
As a Christian clergyman, the Golden Rule is at the heart of my life and
commitment; "In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for
this is the law and the prophets." (Matthew 7:12). But the Monmouth Center
for World Religions and Ethical Thoughts in Lincroft has reminded us that
there is a "Golden Rule" in so many of the Religions of the world: The Bahai
Faith, Buddhism, Confucianism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Jainism,
Judaism, Native Spirituality, Sikhism, Taoism, Unitarianism, Zorostrianism.
Regardless of my Religious views or yours, the genius of our Constitution
and our "American Way" is that we respect the rights of others and make
sure that our laws respect those rights. We may, in our Religious bodies,
discuss and debate same gender marriage. But, the "Golden Rule" of our
democracy is that marriage is not a religious right, it is a civil right.
I believe your vote on same gender marriage will be your way of expressing
the thought that under the law, "We must do for others, that we would like
done for us." Thank you!
Sincerely,
Rev. Gilbert H. Caldwell
Asbury Park, N.J.
Dear Colleagues,
You have been elected to represent and serve ALL of the residents of your
particularly District. The human diversity of your District is but a slice of the
rich diversity of our nation. I write you as a Christian cleryman who is African
American who has pastored United Methodist Churches, predominantly white
and predominantly black in membership, in 5 states. I am ally/advocate of
equal rights for same gender loving couples! I know that you as an elected
official are committed to the understanding that you do not just represent
Christians, or United Methodists, or African Americans or persons like myself
who are heterosexual in their sexual orientation. You are in office to serve the
needs of All persons, and some of those persons are in committed, same
gender relationships. The equal access and equality language that is in
our Constitutions; national and state, call upon you to uphold equal access
and equality, regardless of your personal or religious views. I know that will
be reflected in your vote to endorse the legalization of same gender marriage.
As a Christian clergyman, the Golden Rule is at the heart of my life and
commitment; "In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for
this is the law and the prophets." (Matthew 7:12). But the Monmouth Center
for World Religions and Ethical Thoughts in Lincroft has reminded us that
there is a "Golden Rule" in so many of the Religions of the world: The Bahai
Faith, Buddhism, Confucianism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Jainism,
Judaism, Native Spirituality, Sikhism, Taoism, Unitarianism, Zorostrianism.
Regardless of my Religious views or yours, the genius of our Constitution
and our "American Way" is that we respect the rights of others and make
sure that our laws respect those rights. We may, in our Religious bodies,
discuss and debate same gender marriage. But, the "Golden Rule" of our
democracy is that marriage is not a religious right, it is a civil right.
I believe your vote on same gender marriage will be your way of expressing
the thought that under the law, "We must do for others, that we would like
done for us." Thank you!
Sincerely,
Rev. Gilbert H. Caldwell
Asbury Park, N.J.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Arkansas Boy Won't Pledge Allegiance Until Gays Gain Equality
A 10-year-old Arkansas boy name Will Phillips has decided that he cannot in good conscience pledge allegiance to the flag as long as the country for which it stands refuses legal equality to its GLBT citizens.
That stand has brought young Mr. Phillips anti-gay taunts in the lunch room, but admiration from around the country, reports a Nov. 5 Arkansas Times article. The West Fork School District fifth grader clashed with a substitute teacher for his refusal to stand for the pledge, prompting a call to Will’s mother, Laura Phillips. When the principal acknowledged that Will has the right to refuse to say the pledge, Ms. Phillips asked that her son receive an apology--a request that the principal declined to honor.
Such has been the case with Will Phillips’ stand, but he hasn’t backed down. Laura Phillips told the Arkansas Times that her 10-year-old is "probably more aware of the meaning of the pledge than a lot of adults. He’s not just doing it rote recitation. We raised him to be aware of what’s right, what’s wrong, and what’s fair."
Fairness in this case is more than a mere abstraction, since the family has a number of openly gay friends and has participated in GLBT equality events such as Pride parades. Will, who told the newspaper that he would like to pursue a career in law when he’s older, could not square the tenets of the pledge with the political realities faced by his family’s GLBT friends, whose family and individual rights are under constant challenge. "I really don’t feel that there’s currently liberty and justice for all," said Will.
That led the young man to his decision not to pledge his allegiance due to the injustice he perceived to prevail against gays and lesbians. He discussed the matter with his family and then took his stand--or rather, refused to stand with the rest of the kids when the time for the pledge came around each morning. The first week of the young man’s protest happened to be a week when a substitute teacher, a friend of Will’s grandparents, was in charge of the class; as days went by, the teacher grew more aggravated, until finally she took Will to task.
"She got a lot more angry and raised her voice and brought my mom and my grandma up," Will told the Arkansas Times. "I was fuming and was too furious to really pay attention to what she was saying. After a few minutes, I said, ’With all due respect, ma’am, you can go jump off a bridge.’"
Moreover, Will’s stand for equal rights for gays has led those who disagree to attack him personally with anti-gay epithets: "In the lunchroom and in the hallway, they’ve been making comments and doing pranks, and calling me gay," Will said. "It’s always the same people, walking up and calling me a gaywad."
The interviewer from The Arkansas Times asked Will what it means to be an American. The answer: "Freedom of speech. The freedom to disagree. That’s what I think pretty much being an American represents."
To read more on this story, click here and here.
Below is a great interivew with Will and his father from CNN:
That stand has brought young Mr. Phillips anti-gay taunts in the lunch room, but admiration from around the country, reports a Nov. 5 Arkansas Times article. The West Fork School District fifth grader clashed with a substitute teacher for his refusal to stand for the pledge, prompting a call to Will’s mother, Laura Phillips. When the principal acknowledged that Will has the right to refuse to say the pledge, Ms. Phillips asked that her son receive an apology--a request that the principal declined to honor.
Such has been the case with Will Phillips’ stand, but he hasn’t backed down. Laura Phillips told the Arkansas Times that her 10-year-old is "probably more aware of the meaning of the pledge than a lot of adults. He’s not just doing it rote recitation. We raised him to be aware of what’s right, what’s wrong, and what’s fair."
Fairness in this case is more than a mere abstraction, since the family has a number of openly gay friends and has participated in GLBT equality events such as Pride parades. Will, who told the newspaper that he would like to pursue a career in law when he’s older, could not square the tenets of the pledge with the political realities faced by his family’s GLBT friends, whose family and individual rights are under constant challenge. "I really don’t feel that there’s currently liberty and justice for all," said Will.
That led the young man to his decision not to pledge his allegiance due to the injustice he perceived to prevail against gays and lesbians. He discussed the matter with his family and then took his stand--or rather, refused to stand with the rest of the kids when the time for the pledge came around each morning. The first week of the young man’s protest happened to be a week when a substitute teacher, a friend of Will’s grandparents, was in charge of the class; as days went by, the teacher grew more aggravated, until finally she took Will to task.
"She got a lot more angry and raised her voice and brought my mom and my grandma up," Will told the Arkansas Times. "I was fuming and was too furious to really pay attention to what she was saying. After a few minutes, I said, ’With all due respect, ma’am, you can go jump off a bridge.’"
Moreover, Will’s stand for equal rights for gays has led those who disagree to attack him personally with anti-gay epithets: "In the lunchroom and in the hallway, they’ve been making comments and doing pranks, and calling me gay," Will said. "It’s always the same people, walking up and calling me a gaywad."
The interviewer from The Arkansas Times asked Will what it means to be an American. The answer: "Freedom of speech. The freedom to disagree. That’s what I think pretty much being an American represents."
To read more on this story, click here and here.
Below is a great interivew with Will and his father from CNN:
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Advice Columnist Counsels Mother of Gender Variant Child
Below is an excerpt from Barbara Meltz's advice column concerning a mother who has a gender-variant child:
Q: Please help. When my daughter was 2 years old she told me she wanted to be a boy. Everyone told me she would grow out of this. She has always played with both boy and girl toys. Wears clothing both boy and girl. She is fascinated with batman and superman. She is now 5. She refuses to wear pink or anything girly. She says that is for girls and she is a boy. She is in kindergarten and tells the other kids she is a boy. Her father is absent. She has a few positive male role models in her life. My father and 2 brothers. When she plays with my niece she is so rough and aggressive and truly has characteristics that resemble the behavior of a little boy. She told me over the course of 6 weeks about a little girl who is in the 2nd grade and is in her after school program. Now... she tells me she "like likes her." The other little girl draws her pictures gives her things and my daughter always tells me she is beautiful etc. I am teaching my child socially this is this and that is that "but if that's how you feel, I love you no matter what." My question is ..... For the best interest of my daughter's psychological well-being, how do I handle this gender issue, of her wanting to be a boy, when she is a girl and only 5 years old?
A: It is possible that your daughter has something that's called gender identify disorder. She fits some of the descriptions (dressing like the opposite sex, expressing desire to be the opposite sex, refusing to identify with her gender). And yes, research indicates this can surface in early childhood. (For a scholarly & historical look at the issue, click here.)
As best as I can determine, the consensus is that it's too soon to begin counseling but certainly that is something that your daughter will benefit from down the road. In the meantime, the best that you can do as her mother is love her unconditionally; model your tolerance for differences of all kinds; and include people of all kinds in her world, including people of diverse races, religions, and sexual orientation.
At this age, children notice differences but are not put off by them unless they pick up messages, subtle and not so subtle, that the differences are wrong or bad. So I'm guessing that, so far, she has not run into peers who are troubled by her insistence that she is a he. That may change within a few years. Establishing a foundation now where she knows that (a) she can talk to you about anything; (b) that you will not pass judgment; and (c) that you will give her accurate, age-appropriate information will mean that as she gets older, she will feel supported and not isolated. The good news is that our culture has a much broader tolerance for sexual differences today than it ever has in the past.
In the meantime, help her develop positive self-esteem by allowing her to develop her individual interests and strengths rather than pushing or imposing typical girl interests onto her. She only wants to wear rough-and-tumble boys' clothes? Fine; find some that fit her well. Help her to identify playmates who like to do what she likes to do, whether they are boys or girls (ask the teacher for suggestions). And always be in touch with the teacher so that you can be on top of any social issues that surface; that's something I tell every parent. If you have a close enough relationship with other parents or teachers and you want to share your thoughts with them, also fine. But I don't feel that that's necessary in and of itself.
Q: Please help. When my daughter was 2 years old she told me she wanted to be a boy. Everyone told me she would grow out of this. She has always played with both boy and girl toys. Wears clothing both boy and girl. She is fascinated with batman and superman. She is now 5. She refuses to wear pink or anything girly. She says that is for girls and she is a boy. She is in kindergarten and tells the other kids she is a boy. Her father is absent. She has a few positive male role models in her life. My father and 2 brothers. When she plays with my niece she is so rough and aggressive and truly has characteristics that resemble the behavior of a little boy. She told me over the course of 6 weeks about a little girl who is in the 2nd grade and is in her after school program. Now... she tells me she "like likes her." The other little girl draws her pictures gives her things and my daughter always tells me she is beautiful etc. I am teaching my child socially this is this and that is that "but if that's how you feel, I love you no matter what." My question is ..... For the best interest of my daughter's psychological well-being, how do I handle this gender issue, of her wanting to be a boy, when she is a girl and only 5 years old?
A: It is possible that your daughter has something that's called gender identify disorder. She fits some of the descriptions (dressing like the opposite sex, expressing desire to be the opposite sex, refusing to identify with her gender). And yes, research indicates this can surface in early childhood. (For a scholarly & historical look at the issue, click here.)
As best as I can determine, the consensus is that it's too soon to begin counseling but certainly that is something that your daughter will benefit from down the road. In the meantime, the best that you can do as her mother is love her unconditionally; model your tolerance for differences of all kinds; and include people of all kinds in her world, including people of diverse races, religions, and sexual orientation.
At this age, children notice differences but are not put off by them unless they pick up messages, subtle and not so subtle, that the differences are wrong or bad. So I'm guessing that, so far, she has not run into peers who are troubled by her insistence that she is a he. That may change within a few years. Establishing a foundation now where she knows that (a) she can talk to you about anything; (b) that you will not pass judgment; and (c) that you will give her accurate, age-appropriate information will mean that as she gets older, she will feel supported and not isolated. The good news is that our culture has a much broader tolerance for sexual differences today than it ever has in the past.
In the meantime, help her develop positive self-esteem by allowing her to develop her individual interests and strengths rather than pushing or imposing typical girl interests onto her. She only wants to wear rough-and-tumble boys' clothes? Fine; find some that fit her well. Help her to identify playmates who like to do what she likes to do, whether they are boys or girls (ask the teacher for suggestions). And always be in touch with the teacher so that you can be on top of any social issues that surface; that's something I tell every parent. If you have a close enough relationship with other parents or teachers and you want to share your thoughts with them, also fine. But I don't feel that that's necessary in and of itself.
Monday, November 16, 2009
ESPN Columnist: "GLBT Activists Need to Show Love for Foes"
LZ Granderson is a senior writer and columnist for ESPN The Magazine and ESPN.com. He is the 2009 Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation award winner for online journalism and the 2008 National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association winner for column writing. He was named one of the top 25 public speakers of 2009 by Campus Pride, a national nonprofit organization seeking a "safer college environment" for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender students. Below is a column he wrote in response to the recent vote in Maine that overturned marriage equality.
I'm a single father of a 12-year-old boy who every five minutes seem to switch personalities on me.
One moment he's a starving student athlete hungry enough to eat a cow, the next he's a picky vegan.
I'm told by people much smarter than me that this is normal for a child going through puberty. And so, while I am not an overly religious man, I have found myself meditating on I Corinthians 13:4 to help me get through. Love is patient, love is kind.
I believe there is something each of us can pull from that Bible verse. We may not agree on spirituality or the existence of God, but we can agree that love is one of the most beautiful and mysterious forces. When I'm frustrated with my son, or a friend or even myself, I try to think about the characteristics of love described in I Corinthians before reacting. Be patient. Be kind.
I felt the need to lean on that verse last week after yet another ballot defeat for marriage equality -- when voters in Maine repealed a state law allowing same-sex couples to marry.
A visceral wave of anger swept over me as once again I was reminded of my second-class citizenship. I wanted to smash something. I wanted to punch somebody out. I wanted revenge. The last thing on my mind was I Corinthians. But at the very core of the debate over marriage equality is that scripture's concept of love.
It's easy to love someone when there is no turmoil, no conflict. And it's no accident that "patient" is the first word Corinthians uses to describe love -- it's first because it is most important. No matter how strongly we may feel about each other, we will not always agree, and it is in those moments that we must tap into the mystery of love even more to find a way to first be patient, and then be kind.
That is true in marriage and in parenting. And it's true in this much-accepted notion that we should love our fellow man. I'm not suggesting the gay community should not be upset -- patient and kind does not mean complacent and apathetic.
We must continue pressuring politicians to end civil injustice, but we're not served if we allow hate and fear to dictate our words. We cannot begin to change the nation's mind if we cannot first speak to the nation's heart.
With the economy and the swine flu and the recent tragedy at Fort Hood, it seems that everywhere there is a reason to hate and to fear. But I agree with my buddy Dierks Bentley, who sings in his song "Beautiful World":
"There's tears and there's fears and there's losses and crosses to bear;
And sometimes the best we can do is just to whisper a prayer;
Then press on because;
There's so much to live for and so much to love."
That might seem Pollyanna-ish, but the truth is that even if President Obama signed a law today to make all forms of discrimination based upon sexual orientation illegal, it would hardly mark the end of the gay rights movement.
After all, true social change isn't revolutionary -- it's evolutionary. That means we will have to continue our forbearance with those who oppose us -- from the black pastor who preaches that gay people should not be allowed to marry, to the white, closeted politician so afraid of losing his position that he would vote to oppress his own community. Through all of that, we will still have to find a way to love.
Many gay rights activists like to draw parallels between the gay community's struggles and those of blacks during the civil rights movement. It's not uncommon to hear them echo the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.:
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
"I have a dream..."
But as the frustration of the gay community grows, it is important that we -- and our allies -- do not forget another of Dr. King's powerful quotes:
"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him."
In other words, hate the sin but love the sinner.
It may seem weird to think in those terms because many well-meaning Christians also like to use that last phrase to justify oppressing gay people at the polls. But here's what's curious: The quote is from Mahatma Gandhi, a Hindu who said it in reference to his own people's oppressors, who happened to be Christians. This undoubtedly inspired another one of Gandhi's famous quotes: "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians."
You don't have to like either in order to have love in your heart.
I'm a single father of a 12-year-old boy who every five minutes seem to switch personalities on me.
One moment he's a starving student athlete hungry enough to eat a cow, the next he's a picky vegan.
I'm told by people much smarter than me that this is normal for a child going through puberty. And so, while I am not an overly religious man, I have found myself meditating on I Corinthians 13:4 to help me get through. Love is patient, love is kind.
I believe there is something each of us can pull from that Bible verse. We may not agree on spirituality or the existence of God, but we can agree that love is one of the most beautiful and mysterious forces. When I'm frustrated with my son, or a friend or even myself, I try to think about the characteristics of love described in I Corinthians before reacting. Be patient. Be kind.
I felt the need to lean on that verse last week after yet another ballot defeat for marriage equality -- when voters in Maine repealed a state law allowing same-sex couples to marry.
A visceral wave of anger swept over me as once again I was reminded of my second-class citizenship. I wanted to smash something. I wanted to punch somebody out. I wanted revenge. The last thing on my mind was I Corinthians. But at the very core of the debate over marriage equality is that scripture's concept of love.
It's easy to love someone when there is no turmoil, no conflict. And it's no accident that "patient" is the first word Corinthians uses to describe love -- it's first because it is most important. No matter how strongly we may feel about each other, we will not always agree, and it is in those moments that we must tap into the mystery of love even more to find a way to first be patient, and then be kind.
That is true in marriage and in parenting. And it's true in this much-accepted notion that we should love our fellow man. I'm not suggesting the gay community should not be upset -- patient and kind does not mean complacent and apathetic.
We must continue pressuring politicians to end civil injustice, but we're not served if we allow hate and fear to dictate our words. We cannot begin to change the nation's mind if we cannot first speak to the nation's heart.
With the economy and the swine flu and the recent tragedy at Fort Hood, it seems that everywhere there is a reason to hate and to fear. But I agree with my buddy Dierks Bentley, who sings in his song "Beautiful World":
"There's tears and there's fears and there's losses and crosses to bear;
And sometimes the best we can do is just to whisper a prayer;
Then press on because;
There's so much to live for and so much to love."
That might seem Pollyanna-ish, but the truth is that even if President Obama signed a law today to make all forms of discrimination based upon sexual orientation illegal, it would hardly mark the end of the gay rights movement.
After all, true social change isn't revolutionary -- it's evolutionary. That means we will have to continue our forbearance with those who oppose us -- from the black pastor who preaches that gay people should not be allowed to marry, to the white, closeted politician so afraid of losing his position that he would vote to oppress his own community. Through all of that, we will still have to find a way to love.
Many gay rights activists like to draw parallels between the gay community's struggles and those of blacks during the civil rights movement. It's not uncommon to hear them echo the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.:
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
"I have a dream..."
But as the frustration of the gay community grows, it is important that we -- and our allies -- do not forget another of Dr. King's powerful quotes:
"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him."
In other words, hate the sin but love the sinner.
It may seem weird to think in those terms because many well-meaning Christians also like to use that last phrase to justify oppressing gay people at the polls. But here's what's curious: The quote is from Mahatma Gandhi, a Hindu who said it in reference to his own people's oppressors, who happened to be Christians. This undoubtedly inspired another one of Gandhi's famous quotes: "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians."
You don't have to like either in order to have love in your heart.
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